yohjikudo

I just found out that the Ohyao con kimono panel has been approved! We don't know what day or time yet but it's finally starting to come together! I'm so excited. Me and two other local girls are doing it and we are planning for three demonstrations! I'm going to be putting together the komon or town wear piece! So now I've got to get my butt in gear and start practicing some more. I'm hoping to have one of my friends model for me so that I will be used to the person I'm working with. I haven't dressed anyone before so it will be interesting but I'm very excited for all of this to happen. Finally, maybe I'll start enjoying cons again if this goes off well.

I seem to have them poking their heads out at me a bit which I find horrendously funny since I have to study for my math final this weekend. Besides that though I am feeling an honest urge to write...something mopey, and sappy and Harley Quinn-esq. December, even though it's sunny outside right now always seems to pull out my darker moods. But yes...I feel the need to write something depressing and not give myself a page limit on it. Sometimes I really find that I like my short works best though. When something is just a blurb from my mind it tends to flow better. Once I start pushing myself for pages it just all becomes bs. I want school to be over it feels like it's sucked all the fun out of my life.
So glad I'm going over to Erin's today even if it is to study.

Wow two posts in one day, I'm not sure if that's good or not. So I came to a realization today and I was actually going to write it down in my physical journal for I've somehow misplaced it. That thought kind of disturbs me...but anyways...
So I realized today that I'm sort of living this fake healthy life style. By fake I mean that I'm really into eating better and want to exercise. As a massage therapist I realize how important daily movement is but the problem is I just can't seem to stick with anything. I feel bad, sort of like I'm living a lie because basically I'm not healthy. I know I have some minor medical issues that can affect my energy levels but honestly to me that's really no excuse and I've been using it for far too long. I mean I am really concerned about all these things and I feel like I honestly want to do them. Eat better/organically or just not as much processed foods, get a good amount of exercise and not be constantly dealing with all these little annoying health problems. It really is getting bad and I'm getting very frustrated with myself. I did a little Tai Chi tonight and it felt really good. I just don't know why I can't seem to stick with something for more than 3 or four weeks. I get discouraged so freakin' easily then that turns to depression and then I just eat like there is no tomorrow. I've tried changing my eating habbits and that doesn't seem to want to work either. My whole life I've been taught that eating goes along with entertainment. I'm trying to break that and I know I sound really whinny but it's freakin' hard. I just kind of want to give up...or you know maybe just convince myself I'm totally happy with the way I am and then some miracle will happen? Shit...I don't know.

I must say I am getting really tired of waking up terrified from these night terrors again. I had one this morning about my ex turning into some sort of weird alien/vampire thing and trying to kill me. Night before last Cody came to bed late and barely touched me and I started screaming my head off. This is happening more and more lately. No wonder I'm so damned tired all the time. I'm thinking about putting up some sort of shield but I conveniently always seem to forget about it before I go to bed. Seriously I am so tired of whatever this is messing with me.

So just a quick note on Thanksgiving. It was good, we went up to Cody's moms and she made a wonderful dinner/lunch. We ate early and I slept on and off most of the day afterwards. I didn't get to see my family as my mom had to work but Christmas should make up for that since we are going back to Montana. I kind of hope there is a bit of snow while we are there and it's not just bone dry and cold. Damn it! I want to use my snow boots I bought.
So starting out my Monday rather slow. I've got quite a bit to accomplish plus class this evening but I figured it has been a while since I've updated. I must run to the bank, go to my work and pick up a few things, go and get money orders for bills, get water from Kroger and then come back and finish up my herbology final. Bleh and it looks cold and wet outside too.
Not really anything overly exciting has been going on. I'm behind on creative projects as usual; homework tends to really drain me. I'm still waiting to hear back about a panel for Ohyaocon in January. Cody has an appointment on the 7th to see when he can go back to work and I'm trying to 'diet' again. I always seem to get motivated to loose weight at the worse time of year but what can you do. I'm trying to keep a food journal but so far I'm having trouble recording everything I eat. Probably just need to take it with me where ever I go and get a smaller one. The note book I'm using right now is pretty big. On that note I am off to go do some reps on the total gym and then get a shower.

For the life of me I just can't seem to get motivated to write this last English paper for my Essay and Research class. I was kind of freaking out because I thought it had to be 8-12 pages but it turns out only 5-8. Whew! That takes a bit of the load off me. It's due Monday and I've only gotten a little over a page written. I haven't started doing my actual research for it though but I have some good books and websites to go too. I may need to make a run to Rasin Rack this weekend and see if I can pick up a magazine or something to use. I already have two books for the reference and the online reference is a piece of cake since there is so much info out there about supporting herbal medicine as opposed to prescription meds. I feel really passionate about this topic but am just having trouble putting things into words. I suppose a little over a page of me just babbling is a good sign though. I just hate having to drag out a paper to meet the page requirements. I know I should be working on it more but I spent a good hour and half on it this morning and will be doing more with it tonight so I figured I could use a little break. Gotta grab lunch here in a minute then head up to clinic to get my massage. I also have to remember to talk to Stan about the Holistic Health class. For some reason the system won't let me register for it online.
In other news Cody and I went up to the place we are getting married at and talked to the lady some more. We've decided on going with burgundy and gold for our wedding colors. It was kind of funny cause the only thing we had disagreed about was the colors. Everything else we're pretty much set on. I got some pictures so I might put those up soon. I'd like to post a couple here. From here on out it's just paying things off and picking up the few extras we need. I need to send out save the dates too but I'll probably wait till January to do that.
There is quite a bit else going on but really I'd just rather go out and take some pictures for a half hour or so!

Uhhhhh...that's all I have to say about this one really. It was very strange and short and not the whole thing but like two out of ten short films. For what it was it was well done, effects and such but just kind of didn't make sense even if they were supposed to be dreams.

So talk about a weird dream. This morning I was dreaming that the lead singer from Green Day lived next door to us. I knew who he was so I was trying not to bug him or anything but I was outside getting the mail and he told me to come over. We sat outside and had a beer and he said something to the effect of, "Don't worry...I know you know who I am. It's cool. I'm just trying to get to know my neighbors." Then he invites me and my fiance plus some friends to this weird concert/talk show thing that he's hosting. Randomly Kyo from Dir En Grey shows up, dressed in a very specific outfit. It's something he wore to a photo shoot like years ago but for some reason he was all decked out in it. He then starts talking about owning a Honda and how he's a Honda mom and loves to drive his car. It was really cute but didn't make any sense at all.

Occasionally I have these dreams where I'll be friends with singers or band members and we're just hanging out and doing stuff. I wonder what my subconscious is trying to tell me with all of this?

None of my clothes fit! I don't understand, I was being really good and using the total gym like every other day for 4 weeks and I didn't loose a pound, in fact I gained. Cody said it was probably muscle gain and said my arms looked a little more toned but seriously! I'm sorry but I just want to loose some weight! I'm back at 160lbs again, the heaviest I've ever been. I'm getting so frustrated. what do I have to do? Stop eating for heaven's sake? I just don't feel comfortable in any of my clothes anymore and it's really taking a toll on my self esteem. It's not like I eat horribly either and I'm trying to be good and cut wheat out of my diet, only eating rice pastas and the like. I try not to eat a whole lot of sugar either. I can't afford to eat really super healthy. It's like my metabolism has just stopped. WTF is wrong with me?!

So last week was long and tiring, I mean really long... Between school, work and the Renaissance festival I was pretty wiped out by yesterday. Granted it was a good week. I got a lot accomplished and I do feel good about that. The Renaissance fair was a blast, while helping my mom close down her pool not so much. Here's my gripe though, I woke up at 5:30 today and couldn't go back to sleep! What the hell body? It wasn't like I slept in yesterday either and I've not been getting a whole lot of sleep during the week usually as well. Definitely not more that 6 1/2 to 7 hours. I'm also doing this weird thing where I go to bed and just pass out. Like seriously under a minute and I'm just gone or I have trouble staying asleep. I'm very tossy-turney. Meh, I'm tired. I'd take a nap when I get home from work today but that very well could screw up my schedule for tomorrow and I don't want to do that since I have a math test at 8:30 in the morning! I don't know, it's just weird and I don't quite know what to do about it. Most sleep remedies are to help you fall asleep, which I seem to be having no trouble with what so ever. *shrugs* Oh well, I think my body is just revolting to the extending darkness.

So for the past 3 nights I've been having the most crazy dreams. I knew I should have written down the first one as alas I can't remember it now but night before last was about Cody and I getting an apartment on top of this business building that you had to launch your car up to it from another building. It was winter and there was snow everywhere and I had my old purple Toyota truck. Last night/this morning I was dreaming about being in this vampire coven and we were trapped in this really old building that was all maze like and I kept getting lost(that's what I get for playing too much Legend of Zelda before I go to bed). Anyway there were these huge hell hounds chasing us and one of them got to my friend. I thought she was dead but apparently they didn't kill her because I saw her later with her arm all torn up. Then I started dreaming about this girl maybe like 16, who was seeing this guy her father really hated for some reason. This one occurred in a sort of old west type of town but there were random modern conveniences. Anyway the father had found out this girl had skipped school to go see a movie with her boy friend and started freaking out and throwing her against the wall. The girls mother came in and saved her and then started burning the fathers face with this weird toaster oven/iron thing...
My psyche is messed up.

Let me explain one thing before I go into this little rant about my health. I do not consider myself a hypochondriac, I hate being sick! The mildest hint of a cold and I go into super denial mode to try and pretend I'm not ill. Usually this makes me more sick though so I suppose it's just a catch 22. However I do consider myself very 'in-tune' with my body and for over a year now I've had this gut feeling that something isn't quite right. Case in point I had to go to the doctor twice before they figured out anything was wrong with my thyroid and then they told me there is nothing they can do about it until the things just stops working all together! So I've been doing a lot of research and coming across some very interesting information. Some might consider the findings a little out there but I assure anyone who reads this that there is some measure of scientific proof behind it. That being said I'm going to start at the beginning of this little adventure and come to the conclusion I have now.
A little over a year ago I started experiencing symptoms of low or 'sluggish' thyroid. Hypothyroidism is common in my family so I decided to get my levels tested. Like I said before nothing the first time and the second time they checked my antibody levels, which were high which lead to a diagnosis of Hashimoto's disease. Basically my body is attacking my thyroid and eventually it will burn out and I'll have to take a thyroid supplement the rest of my life. Charming! So as time wore on I discovered the Blood type diet book and started researching into that. I'm O+ and according to this research O's have a tendency towards thyroid problems as well as gluten and lactose sensitivity. I found this interesting since I am an O and I have a thyroid disorder and as a child I was lactose intolerant. Supposedly the condition of lactose intolerance has cleared up but I find even now that if I indulge in too much dairy my digestive system goes awry for a few days. All this while mind you I've also been taking birth control which I've had to switch products frequently because the side affects were so bad. One of them was hair loss and I have fairly long hair and it was quite obvious I was loosing more than normal. When I stopped the BC the hair loss seemed to slow and or stop for a short period of time but continued to pick back up again after only a month or so. I have not been taking the BC since the beginning of the year. So that put me into to researching about female hair loss; which is sadly not a well researched or understood occurrence. This lead me though to some topics about malnutrition and then onto some articles about Celiac disease. For those that do not know Celiac disease is where the body can not process wheat gluten and the intestines get irritated and there fore can not absorb the proper nutrients from food. Ahaha! That rings a bell I thought. O's have a tendency towards gluten intolerance. So I started looking up the symptoms of Celiac disease and found low and behold that I have quite a few of them. I won't go into detail as to what they are as some of them are kind of, well, gross. While reading through these research articles I also discovered that a fairly high number of people with Celiac disease also have thyroid dysfunction problems! This is thought to be caused by the Celiac disease. Interesting...so I suppose it's not too far of a shot to think that maybe I have undiagnosed Celiac disease which in turn is causing my thyroid to go all bonkers! I'm supposed to be going in for more blood work in February next year to check my thyroid levels and antibodies again so I think I'm going to speak with my doctor about my findings and hopefully she can test for Celiac disease as well. Till then I'm going to try and avoid as much wheat and gluten containing products as possible. I really am tired of feeling crappy all the time.

Life is a constant series of ups and downs right? I just feel like lately that every time something promising appears in my life, a whole shit ton of crap crowds in to take it's place and steal all of my attention. On the whole I can't say things are going badly but things aren't going great either. It's like for the past month or so I've been in the constant state of emotional limbo. I'm either really happy and content, for all of you know five minutes, or I'm angry and balling my eyes out. For fucks sake I thought I was past all of this! When the hell did my inner emo kid decide to make a comeback?!
Things have been difficult. Cody isn't feeling so hot again and that freaks both of us out and puts the two of us on edge. Why do I have the feeling he's going to sleep most of the day? Not that I can really blame him, I just want him to be better. I want our lives and our relationship to go back to being normal! It's so scary and I feel as though we are growing father apart day by day. What makes this even harder to deal with is that we've been doing a lot of wedding planning on top of all of this going on. That in itself throws our relationship into a harsh light. I can't wait to get out of here this weekend! I need some time away, I really hate saying that but I do.

GAH! We went and looked at a place to have the wedding and reception yesterday. It was really beautiful and seems like it could possibly be something we could afford. Lovely log cabins and beautiful scenery. It felt good to be productive like that. My mom went with us, which needless to say was a trip. I was so stiff after wards from holding my tongue all day that now I have a serious krick in my neck. That woman never fails to baffle me with her logic sometimes. Anyways I'm going to be calling another place today so maybe we can get down to that tomorrow or next week some time? All I can say is we have to get started on this so we can pay it off in time. That and I really need a job that gives me more than 8 hours a week! I must start printing out resumes and sending them in to places asap! Also and I hate tos ay this but I'm reconsidering going to AWA. I just can't afford it and with the wedding I can't justify it either. Honestly I don't know, there is just so much going on all the time I sort of just want to veg out for a day. I could today but I'll probably end up doing something anyway.

Why is it that whenever I make a salad all the goodies fall to the bottom? It seems like all I get is greens and then POW! goody overload! Oh, the woes of life! *pretend faints*
Got a couple of massages booked for this after noon, woot! Monies! One is pregnant so that should be interesting. I've worked on pregnant women before though so it shouldn't be too bad plus I have my notes if I do need them.

I always seem to forget about lj for random periods of time. By the time I remember to post so much has happened half the time I forget to put it all in. But...*shrugs*...that's the way things go I suppose.
So...ARKHAM ASYLUM! OMG! It is beautiful! Been watching Cody play it since last night...ehehe...it makes me gidddy. BEST line EVARH! "What are you really afraid of Bats? Me...in a thong?" Quoted from the Joker while Batman is experience some of Crane's fear toxin. I was laughing so hard I almost pee'd!
Had an interview yesterday for a place called Massage Envy. *keeps fingers crossed* Hopefully that will work out since I could really use the hours.
Have to go back to the doctor again today. *sighs* Really getting sick of this shit. I don't understand why my body seems to hate me so much. There has got to be some underlying cause to why I keep getting sick all the time. I swear that birth control just completely messed me up!
AWA in a few weeks. I have to keep reminding myself. I have a feeling I'll have like nothing done for it but you know...whatever. I just want to go and have some fun!

So I found out yesterday that I passed my medical boards! Still waiting on that stupid piece of paper to show up that actually means I can practice but wooT! I did it! I finally f'ing did it! I've got to start pulling together a really nice resume soon, but I've got to find my spa book first for that. I don't like the format for the one in the business book as much. Hopefully I can find something quick since I desperately need the money at this point.
Cody and I are taking a short trip on Monday down to Missouri to drop off a friend of my mom's. It will kind of be nice to just get out of town even if it is just a short over night stay. She is also thinking of buying us plane tickets to go back to Montana a few days before Christmas so that could prove promising.
My other job gave me a few more hours this up coming week but honestly I don't see myself being there very much longer. Of course that all depends on what kind of work I can find in my field and what sort of hours and pay I can expect. I just don't see the point of staying at a job for maybe 8 hrs. a week. I'm guessing I'll be out of there by mid September.
Been practicing the piano a lot lately and I feel like I'm improving well and understanding. Honestly I just didn't have the patience when I was younger. Kind of makes me sad because I wonder how far along I'd be now if I had continued to practice and take lessons? But all is good on that front and I'm making music so it's nice. I might pester Cody to let me record some stuff just so I can see how it sounds. Erin in taking some guitar lessons from her mom so maybe we can start playing together soon?
So in short things are looking up on the home front!

So I had a thought today that disturbed me a touch while I was at work. Living in the Untied States I hear the word recession thrown around a lot. It's a scary topic and one I try not to dwell on too much. There are many people right now that are out of work and still many more like me that have had their hours cut to a disturbingly low number. Honestly I don't know how anyone expects me to live off of 4 hours a week making $7.75 an hour. Now my boss tells us that our hours were cut because corporate took so many hours from the overall store schedule. This is understandable in a way but here's the thought that disturbs me so much. What if the 'higher ups' in major corporations are taking advantage of the recession label to cut more hours from their workers to put money in their own pockets? Now I'm sure this isn't an entirely new thought and I do realize that it sounds a little conspiracy theory. I understand that the cost of renting/leasing a building for business, paying for utilities and purchasing stock to put on those shelves can take a big chunk out of profit not to mention various licenses, taxes and other out of pocket expenses plus paying your employees all take their share. But how can you cut your workers hours down to practically nothing when said company has grown, in profits steadily for the past ten years? When you can afford to put in a new store in a high profile area where taxes are a whopping %7.25? As well as when said store is the leading store in the nation for high profit day sales and events? If the company is doing so poorly that it has to cut it's workers hours then how can they afford to keep open the rest of the stores across the country that are supposedly doing worse than ours? I fail to see the logic here except that it benefits those that stand to make the most money from the company. Frankly it seems a little immoral to me but that's the way big business works right? That's what you're thinking isn't it? It may not be fair but that's the way the world works. I can't help but wonder though if we stopped being so complacent if things might change?

Cody is home and I have no words to express my joy and relief! Things feel complete again. Just wanted to let anyone that cares know that things are on the mend now. Thanks everyone for your support.

I am 27. I'm going to be spending most of the day with my fiance in the hospital. I am not sad about this, in fact I'm super excited to be seeing him. In fact I could sort of care less about the fact that it's my birthday at all. I did feel like I needed to make some sort of mention of it.